You Don't Have a Daughter

This is a bit of late-breaking news for all to digest - some Black Americans are not fully trusting of White Americans! I know, I know, I know. It's hard to believe that after our long history of equality and brotherhood, some would still be untrusting. Yet still, when someone brings up a lack of trust in our brethren, we still get the "whhhaaaa?!" look. Interesting. So I've brought along my White friend Dan to set the record straight for 2008 (like Greyfox already did - it's good to have White friends).


White People, Get Over Yourselves from Dantrification on Vimeo.

This is going to be a fairly regular compilation of clips and links that I would like to share.

First, Hillary Duff:



o_O...

Second, a bunny massage:



As always, read the comments to that one for some extra entertainment.

Third, Super Smash Bros. Brawl:



Scandalous!

These clips have been brought to you by Gametrailers, Youtube, Kotaku, and this blog for perverts (NSFW).

*note* If some of these pics don't work, these websites are SERIOUS haters. They all worked just fine for three days, and now I'm seeing issues just prior to posting. Ghey.

Ahh, Christina Ricci. I've been in love with her big-headed ass since the first Addams Family movie, when she suggested roasting Girl Scouts to create their famous cookies. Come to think of it, I wouldn't mind slathering some chocolate and caramel on top of that coconut cookie ... Yet I digress. She was off the list for a while, and then I saw her humongous blonde dome in Sleepy Hollow and fell in love all over again - and this time I had some nice moo-moos pouring out of the top of her dress for me to fap to.

Now back in the mid-90's, there used to be a tv show on Nickelodeon (back when they had good tv shows) that was called "All That." Great show. Sketch comedy for pre-teens. Some of my best memories are of turning on the VCR (because I was overseas - fuck a cable box!) and dreaming about future fap sessions to little Alisa Reyes. I also had an urging for little Katrina Johnson, but it was tough finding pics of her. Perhaps it's because Alisa is hotter. Rather than corrupting this post with pics of 11-year olds, we'll just fast-forward to now.



Mmm ... tasty. I've seen her here and there on the television, and apparently she does a litttle voice-over work as well, so that's cool. I don't give a damn what the voice is saying as long as I get me some of that Latina-Italian-Caribbean heat. I'm sure there are several other fap-worthy females from my early years (including a few adult ones, seeing how I had a calling to them as well) but we'll leave it at that for now. So we're moving on to The Come Up.

If you weren't in love with at least one member of TLC at some point in your life, you missed out on three of the sexiest "we don't really wanna be sexy" women in the biz. Back in the day, when "CrazySexyCool" dropped, one of my homeboys called T-Boz as his girl. My other homeboy called Left Eye. That made me perfectly happy, as I had already mentally called Chilli, left her a voicemail, and made plans for the weekend. That was 95; this pic is from 2007, and she's STILL bangin. Y'all better start paying attention. On to the next:

Toni Braxton. If you don't like her, you're gay. Next.

Brandy will probably be my most disputed choice on this list. Luckily for me, it's a list of MY many wives, and not the rest of the world's. I've always liked Brandy, regardless of what others thought of her (the normal consensus is that she's ... okay, but there are better prospects out there). I say she's got love in her eyes, and that does it for me. Along with the head big enough to fit my entire Roger Rabbit plus the pellets. Oh, and on a quick note, let's not forget the twins:

I know. You want the one on the right. That's fine. You can have them both after I get done with them. That's right; they're both my wives. Now we move on to The Millenium Act:

Ahh, Garcelle Beauvais. Back when I first received my own computer, she reigned my desktop, as she should have. There was a lot of great eye candy out there, but none as dignified, refined and just flat out sexy as the fanciest co-star of the turn of the century. I searched for several images of her to put up, but I only found a few good ones. Of course I'm sure there are others that many readers wish I would post ...

But I am an honorable man. But when I'm not feeling so honorable, it's of course quite easy to find the photos. This is after all the interwebs. I digress. Sanaa Lathan.

I don't know any other way to put this: Sanaa Lathan is quite possibly the finest woman on earth. If she's anything like any of the characters she's played (minus one), then she's definitely the prototype. I can't wait til she comes around and realizes the truth - that she's married to me, that is. There's a certain quality to her that could very well put her in an echelon above the rest of these wives of mine. I don't know what it is, but dammit, there's something about Sanaa. Mary ain't got shit on her.

Yeahhhh! You thought Christina Ricci was the wild card, huh? You thought Brandy was a crazy choice, huh?! Miss Angela Bassett has been a favorite of mine since the ... second time I noticed her. She's proof that what Smokey said was true - the older the berry, the sweeter the juice. Mmmmm ... Okay, let's do one more, because I could go on for days once we hit The Millenium Act. Hmm ... who else could be part of this segment? Let's end on a lighter note.

Nicole Ari Parker. Here's the bonus pic cause she's so damn sexy. She's been all over the place; I saw her a few times here and there, but I didn't realize I wanted to nut in her until I saw her in Blue Streak. You can claim you've never seen her before, but if you've seen Remember The Titans, then you've seen her - and EVERYBODY has seen Remember The Titans. Side note - I didn't know she was in this! GREAT movie.

Alright, that wraps this up for now. Be on the look out for part two at some point in the future somewhere. I know I left out a few from each segment, so I may have to throw up an addendum to the hotness at some point in time. I have many more wives, and I didn't even bother getting into The Here And Now, which if you can't tell by the title is all of my wives at the current moment. If you want to know who'll be on the table next time I post this up, or just how sexy they'll be, I'll give you a hint - I'm f**kin 'em.

Okay, I'm sure that the title in itself is going to be pretty controversial. I suppose a little disclosure is necessary.

First of all at this time I would definitely not describe myself as "emo," but honestly who would. I did not grow my bangs out long, I do not cut myself to make myself feel better, and I do not curl up in my bed and lament about my parents' lack of understanding. It wasn't always like that though.

I may have first been introduced to emo when a Spider-Man movie's soundtrack included Dashboard Confessional's "Vindicated." I liked the song, it spoke to me. That's probably because I was emo.

That was the period of my life when my girlfriend for 5 years dumped me and quickly moved on with her life. Much quicker than I did. Instead of manning up and moving on I just dug myself into a hole of despair that lasted approximately 1-2 years.

Well, that begs the question, "How did you get out of the gutter?" Being deployed to a foreign land and seeing real people, with real problems really helps one get things into perspective. I mean, it's like when Dave Chappelle fled to Africa to think about the moral issues he was having selling out his people in comedy for the sake of money. Chappelle said after explaining his situation to an African man the man replied with something to the effect of being forced to eat a dog the night prior. Real people, real problems. With my own epiphany in place I saw Dashboard for what they are.

There are still certain emo bands that I listen to and like. My Chemical Romance is a band that a lot of people label as emo even though they themselves reject the label. Their album, The Black Parade, has found itself in my iTunes library. Another ambiguously emo band I'm high on is Evanesance. A man once told me that he imagined the lead singer, Amy Lee, singing to him while he had his head in her lap while she brushed his head with her hand until he fell asleep.

Finally, the band New Years Day is another potentially emo band that I've grown fond of. If you haven't heard of them, then you probably never played Saint's Row. You can catch their song from the game below.



The imagery used in the song was so detailed and clever that I couldn't help but paint pictures in my head of a person ravaging the body of cupid. Also, the line "your love is my heart disease," is incredibly witty and captures a person's tortured love perfectly.

If we're just going to talk about straight up, no arguments about it, card carrying emo bands, such as Jimmy Eat My Ass and Waterboard Confessionals, then yeah, emo sucks. However, if the aforementioned bands are in fact emo then I would argue that emo is alright. Maybe this is especially true of any emo band with a female lead singer.

So The New Mastersounds finally came on, and we were ready. Since this was a Sunday night - and most of us are normally at home getting ready for work or sleeping since we have to work in the morning - my buddies were already telling me that this better be worth it. Well, as soon as that first groove dropped, they knew it was. This band was SO tight. And I don't just mean that as in they make good music, but literally every snare, every kick, every lick, every key was on point. They seemed to never ever lose the tempo or the pace. They so easily rolled from one song into the next, never letting us lose the groove. Entropy might have put us in a partying mood, but TNMS put us in a music-loving mood. Eddie Roberts, the lead guitar, was nothing short of amazing. I really only say that because he was up front and his solos were awesome - EVERYBODY on that stage displayed an amazing amount of talent. One of my buddies even pointed out that his ears were bleeding - he wasn't complaining about it, because it was worth it.

So yeah, if TNMS come to your town anytime soon, I'd highly suggest a visit. If you can handle getting way too funky for yourself.


Classic Bonus:

Booker T & The MG's - Green Onions




I have no urge to post up video of The New Mastersounds, as they're too funky for the average video microphone to capture.

There is something gravely wrong with the world. We have flown to the moon. We have unlocked the power of the atom. We have created computers faster then anything we've ever thought imaginable. Information is the touch of a button away. But yet, there is much wrong in the world.
Read along if your appetite has been whetted.

Let me take you through a scenario. Imagine you're me, or any guy really. You're deep in slumber, you're warm, you're happy, everything is clean and nice, then blam, it's 3 in the morning and you have to fucking pee. You're like dammit I can hold it. You're always such a stubborn bastard aren't you? Don't you realize that by simply getting up and going right away you've just saved yourself that half hour of torture you're planning on giving yourself and made up on sleep time.

Anyways, you get up, half asleep after finally deciding it's time to go. Stumble down the hall to the bathroom in your sleepy bizzaro world, made even more odd due to the fact that you're in Bosnia. You get into a stall, which is uphaullingly dirty because people are terrible and must hate themselves because they obviously want to live in such filthy ass conditions, when all they have to due is fucking clean up after themselves........AHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Okay, sorry, now on to the main point. You've unzipped, you're standing there, you release the pressure from your hose, ahhhhhh relief. BUT WHAT! WHATS THIS!!!!! Fucking water and/or urine has splashed back from the toilet or urinal back at you and a tiny most uncomfortable wet droplet of said substance is now on your leg.
Fucking seriously! Why is it that we don't have urinals that are splash proof. There is nothing so disheartening in life to me as to have another man's urine particles splash back onto my bare legs after going to the bathroom in the middle of the night (especially when one is deployed cause who knows whose piss it is.)
Some urinals I've heard of have a sticker. They have a magical sticker. This sticker/marking/target/whatever you want to call it is the target area for you to pee so that the angle is such that there will be no urine bouncing back. Eureka! Fucking Brilliant!
It's so simple, I mean I eventually find that sweet spot in toilets/urinals so that no pee bounces back, but there's too much time spent trying to find it. Fucking thank the Lord of the Toilet Rings someone out there has addressed this travesty. Let's just hope the rest of the world catches on. Fuck world hunger, this is big.

I will not deny that I don't take notice when I see someone I like. Take this person for example:


Yeah, well I just happened to see her again during an episode of CSI and then decided to look her up. Well apparently she's from Vancouver Canada. As if Vancouver needed any more hot chicks. The city apparently has a beacon that makes these women flock to it.

Like I said earlier I looked the young woman up after seeing her on CSI. So I needed to know her name so I wiki'd CSI. Well I found her named in the "Past main characters" section since she's replacing Jorja Fox, who happens to be this writer's favorite vegan.

Anyway, upon reviewing the young woman's short wiki, I decided to follow the link to IMDB that was at the end of the page. Ahh, much more enlightening. Apparently, she was in the recent monster flick Cloverfield.

Finally, I decided to test my luck and see if she was featured on the fledgling site, Chickipedia. Yup. Her name is Jessica Lucas and if you're a man, then this woman should immediately be your pretend wife. Well, unless of course you already have one.

This actually brings me to my most important point of all. If you are a man and you haven't heard of Chickipedia, then you owe me a beer for introducing it to you. I feel that it has the potential of being the greatest resource for the education of heterosexual men.

TENSION AND HATE/CRAZED WHITE MAN VS ANGRY BLACK MAN!!!

Once upon a time there were two young men. They were(maybe still are) in the army.
Oh how the tension grows as you're placed in a living situation with people that are GASP. A different skin color. These men, forced to live with each other, feeding off of the PRESSURES OF WAR (joke in itself) came to hate one another.

They went to the breaking point.


Until one day, the young white man snapped, he could not take this onslaught of "Gangster" Rap and R&B any longer.

The young man drew his weapon and the dogs of war were released.


The stare down that followed was legendary. The angry black man, overcoming the initial shock did not shrink down and he glared. A hate fire burned within his eyes and fire rained down upon the Earth, but especially in places that suck, like Wisconsin, or the Dakotas, because no one else would be willing to have fire rain down upon them for the sake of a story.



The crazed white man stood his ground as well (of course this was easy with a gun in hand thus making the angry black man a bit more courageous in this story, but just wait for the moral will you, you impatient bastards, I'm working with limited old photos here)


They both looked at each other and in a frenzy came at one another. The angry black man unbeknownst to the crazed white man could use the force and thus disarmed him. A fight ensued.

After weeks of fighting non stop(because each of the combatants learned to fight on top of Mount Olympus with the gods, although one on the black side, and one on the white side of Mount Olympus because they did the training in the 60's and Zeus was actually a Redneck) they stopped. After discussing there differences in large panting breaths they discovered that the tension was not caused by racial tension at all. It was caused by the fucking morons which surrounded them. From then on they were the best of friends and hated everyone else collectively (except for shifto who actually took all of these pictures many years ago and who also joined in this cause) because they understood their superiority of brainpower over those plebes.
They decided to forge an alliance and bring the truth to the world, their truth, whether the world wants to hear it or not (along with shifto, without whom I could not have written this preposterous story).

And they lived happily ever after, well, not happily, but in cooperation. If it was happily ever after I probably wouldn't be writing for this blog, because I wouldn't have anything to write.


BFF and shifto too, as a fucking 12 year old girl texting with her new cell phone would say. (by the way, don't give kids cellphones dick-heads they don't need them)

FIN

(Vanity statement, I must have weighed 2 lbs back then, look at those chicken arms)

I'll take this opportunity to talk about something that I hate. New white people music. Now I'm not talking about artists from R&B, I'm not talking about Pop. I'm talking about good old rock and roll. I can't think of one song made by a new rock band on the radio that I have enjoyed within the last 2 years. I have heard good shit that isn't on the radio, and maybe that just means that the radio sucks, but I'm gonna bitch about something, so here we go.
You have an advent of shitty rock bands like Nickelback that get successful. They appeal to teenage girls, rednecks who like rock, and middle aged people who insist on saying that they are "down" with new rock music in a futile attempt to stay in this generation. With a slew of shitty catchy singles, bands like these will pump their generic rock through the airwaves and into the proverbial gun that I will use to kill myself with.
SPEAKING OF KILLING YOURSELF. This brings me to the next part of the sad state of white people guitar music. The emo-revolution has all but destroyed my faith in the world. This slew of pussies crying into a microphone has nearly given me a stroke. They all sound the same. The same high pitched scream, pre-pubescent voice sung into the microphone about love lost and parents not understanding you is getting old. Especially since the majority of these voices are being sung from 28 year old dudes still bitching about what happened to them in high school. JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Oh and they've made it trendy to be a pussy. Yes they have. This slew of wear your heart on your sleeve cry yourself to sleep at night alone in your bedroom as your tears soak your long black bangs so that you cannot see the world because it is too painful to look at. Your girlfriend dumped you, GET OVER IT. No ones parents understand them.
And there is NEVER ever an excuse to cut yourself. None of this stupid emo kid logic, oh I cut myself cause its the only real pain, I just want to feel blah blah blah. The only real pain I feel is you, and every time I read a super soppy my world is so dark and so am I lyric in your gay ass aim profile or on your emokid99sufferingdarkangelbleedingheart2019 myspace page I throw up in the back of my mouth a little bit. Look at us we're so mysterious and dark. Lets be individuals together and shop at hot topic. ALSO!!!! It isn't cool to wear black shirts that say whitty things in white lettering like "I used to be Schizophrenic but we're better now," or "one by one the penguins steal my insanity", or anything along those lines. Shirts that advertise your individuality or darkness or the fact that you obviously think you're hardcore make you not that. Remember, you cant be hardcore if you're a pussy that listens to whiny music and cries yourself to sleep over your lost high school girlfriend. Maybe instead of investing in all that shitty music and gear you should spend it on some vagisil and a package of tampons, cause that bleeding heart, isnt a heart at all, its just a big bleeding pussy that happens to be you flopping around, dry, and irritating as hell......bitches.
Your girlfriend dumped you so that she could be with that other guy who isn't a pussy, and your dad thinks you're gay.

So I missed two drills in a row.

My mother got married (again) on the weekend of the January drill. I had no plans to miss that, regardless of anything. Hey, third time's a charm. And what better good luck charm for your wedding than children from a previous marriage? I of course also found time to run through - er, run BY a friend a mine. She appreciated the visit greatly. I didn't bother informing anyone at my unit that I wasn't planning on being at drill, because ... *shrug* it's the Reserves (more explanations on this in the future, I'm sure).

So February came around. I knew the drill was coming up. I was a little iffy about being there, but it's what I do (normally), so whatever. I went ahead and put it on the schedule. 2nd weekend of February. Awesome. Didn't wanna go really, but you gotta do what you gotta do (more on THAT in the future, I'm sure). Friday before drill came around. Packed up the PT's in the bag, made sure all the morning gear was fresh and set out, and double-checked the drill schedule to ensure I had the correct date. And I didn't. It was the weekend prior. I had completely fucked up, and it was already over. Shit. Well that sucked.

I felt a little bad about that one, but I quickly got over it, as it tends to happen with these things. So now March has rolled around, and it's time for drill once again. I knew I had to make this happen. Two drills in a row. What are they going to say to me? What if the First Sergeant calls me out in morning formation? What the hell am I gonna say? "Sorry, Top ... I FORGOT." Oh, you forgot? That's cool. Hey, before you leave, give me those stripes. You don't need em. Here's this PFC rank until you figure it out. Nevertheless, I maintain my normal confident cool and push on. No need to get all shook up over shit that hasn't even happened yet. But it doesn't hurt to be mentally prepared.

I stepped into drill like I hadn't missed a day. People said hey, what's up! Haven't seen you in a while! My UA said "Hey, Sergeant! I needed you! I've been missing you!" Aww ... how sweet. She still didn't pay me while I was gone. But other than the gushing happiness from my UA, nobody particularly said anything. I knew this couldn't be it. Something HAD to happen. And then ... it did happen. "Sergeant, I need to see you in my office!" Ah ... shit. Here it comes. Stay cool. No beef. Never let em see you sweat. They're typically understanding people; and if they're not, then keep the ball in your court. He stood in front of me, not even bothering to close the door. Damn. Everybody's gonna hear this. I didn't shift my weight; I didn't change my breathing. I looked him right in the eye. Hey, if you're gonna play, play to win. Finally, he said it:

"We think you're a great representative for the unit. We're recommending you for Soldier of the Year."

Welcome to the Reserves.

Now there's more back story to this, of course. There have been months where I was standing in front of formations, or leading troops through drills, or helping fellow soldiers out with PT, making sure the lower enlisted were getting their equipment when needed; I've even won an award since I've been here, and while I'm not actively trying to disappear, I'm definitely not trying to stand out. While I may not like the system, for the most part I'll still do what I feel an NCO should be doing. So why would I be skipping drills if I'm doing what an NCO should be doing? For the answer to that you'd have to understand what we do or don't do during drill weekends, and I don't feel I should share info about our "training" here. The bottom line is I'm on top of my soldiers and there for them when they need it, and I help out my fellow NCOs when the time comes. This is why they recognize the talent; why they acknowledge it even after two consecutive missed drill dates is indicative of the broken system I spoke of earlier - even I don't understand that one.

To put it simply, I have the tools to get the job done. I just feel they can be better used doing other jobs. Even a great firefighter gets tired of running in the same building week after week, putting out fires on the same stove that only catches fire because the owners of the building don't know how to light a stove; and if that firefighter attempts to instruct those owners on the proper lighting of a stove, their answer is "You're a firefighter. It's your job to put the fire out when we fuck up." Hmm ... I think that firefighter would like to request a transfer. Let's at least put fires out for someone who's appreciative.

There's a lot more I probably could say, but I'm sure I'll hear enough from my cohorts. I didn't accept the Soldier of the Year nomination (or perhaps it truly was an NCO of the Year nomination). I told them the board was during my AT, which it is. Even if it weren't, I don't know if I would have accepted the nomination. But hey, it's all part of the system. Do what you gotta do and keep on moving. We'll talk more about doing what you gotta do at a later date ...