No, Really ... You Don't Have A Daughter
Posted by Skrybe | Posted in Burton's daughter | Posted on 11:19
Burton doesn't have a daughter.
It's true. He made the whole thing up. She doesn't exist now, she's never existed. She's a figment of his overactive imagination, created as yet another lie to embellish his already over embellished lifestyle. Big Z doesn't have what would now be a 16-year old daughter; he didn't have a 14-year old daughter 2 years ago. She isn't an amazing singer, he hasn't taught her how to cook anything, and she didn't get kicked out of 6th grade music class for playing Chopin backwards.
How do I know? BECAUSE I CALLED HIS GRANDMOTHER. And she had no idea what daughter it was I was talking about. I played it off as if it were a joke. She didn't seem to upset by my call. I'm a pretty nice guy when I'm not being evil and sadistic. So anyway, I just wanted to go ahead and make this very clear. On a side note, Burton is also a pathological liar - in case you hadn't picked up on that yet. He's not a chef; he's never taught at any school ever (grade, middle or high school); he's never boxed a day in his life. He never won Golden Gloves in any city of any state in America (or internationally, if that question arises). He doesn't have the class ring from the college he never attended. He doesn't make music. He doesn't know anyone who makes music. He's not "deep into the music scene" in Richmond, Virginia. He can't play the piano, forwards or backwards. He was called out on it while we were in the Vo and he couldn't deliver. He sat right behind that keyboard and didn't play one note. Why? Because Burton is a liar. He makes it up so people will think he's got a lot going for him in life.
So here's the real story. Big Z is a 29-year old Army Specialist (yes, that's right, I refuse to acknowledge the undeserved promotion) who lives with his grandmother. Sometimes he stays at his pop's place to switch things up. He does not have a car or a license, which would be fine if he lived in New York or Chicago. Unfortunately he lives in Richmond, Virginia, with no train or rail access. That means utilizing a car to get around is a necessity for having a life after age 16. He's an extremely bad speller, which I'm sure many people already know after reading an email from him or just by visiting his Myspace. He's also very childish in his behavior, getting upset very easily and throwing temper tantrums regularly. He doesn't truly retain information, because when questioned on the duties of any particular part of his military MOS (of which he's been for the last 10 years in the Army), his answers are limited and incomplete on all subjects. Burton only really and truly knows one thing - lying. The sad and ironic truth of it is, he's not really good at that either. His lies are not well-spoken, and though he is not lacking in conviction, the outrageousness of his material is what enables us to understand that what he's speaking just COULD NOT be truth. Nobody was letting Burton drive a mail truck in Iraq. The truck drivers from Iraq that remembered him pointed out that he was making that up. No school in America would accept a teacher - or for that matter, a teacher's assistant - that couldn't handle basic spelling and math.
More importantly - because it's one thing to lie on yourself, but it's another to lie on other people - Burton never had sex with another individual (who shall remain nameless) from the Vo. Everything he said about her was a lie. She confirmed it, and her alibi (aka the guy she WAS with that night) also confirmed it. Yes, Burton took a shot with her on one of our trips. No, Burton didn't go back to the room with her at any point. Perhaps he mistook her for his gay friend who knows karate and will kick your ass. Well actually, I don't think Burton had sex with him either. But I never got confirmation either way on that one. The bottom line is, at some point in his life perhaps Burton did have sex with a woman. That didn't happen in the Vo. I know because I wasn't having sex with anyone, and I was in my room nearly every night. Burton was there too. Normally with his gay friend who knows karate and will kick your ass.
So if you happen to see Burton, don't worry about engaging him in a long discussion about ... well, anything. Just walk up to him and say "You don't have a daughter." That should take care of everything.
P.S. - Before we flew out to the Vo, I talked to Burton's "girlfriend" on the phone. She had no idea that they were even in a relationship. Things that make you go hmmm ...
It's true. He made the whole thing up. She doesn't exist now, she's never existed. She's a figment of his overactive imagination, created as yet another lie to embellish his already over embellished lifestyle. Big Z doesn't have what would now be a 16-year old daughter; he didn't have a 14-year old daughter 2 years ago. She isn't an amazing singer, he hasn't taught her how to cook anything, and she didn't get kicked out of 6th grade music class for playing Chopin backwards.
How do I know? BECAUSE I CALLED HIS GRANDMOTHER. And she had no idea what daughter it was I was talking about. I played it off as if it were a joke. She didn't seem to upset by my call. I'm a pretty nice guy when I'm not being evil and sadistic. So anyway, I just wanted to go ahead and make this very clear. On a side note, Burton is also a pathological liar - in case you hadn't picked up on that yet. He's not a chef; he's never taught at any school ever (grade, middle or high school); he's never boxed a day in his life. He never won Golden Gloves in any city of any state in America (or internationally, if that question arises). He doesn't have the class ring from the college he never attended. He doesn't make music. He doesn't know anyone who makes music. He's not "deep into the music scene" in Richmond, Virginia. He can't play the piano, forwards or backwards. He was called out on it while we were in the Vo and he couldn't deliver. He sat right behind that keyboard and didn't play one note. Why? Because Burton is a liar. He makes it up so people will think he's got a lot going for him in life.
So here's the real story. Big Z is a 29-year old Army Specialist (yes, that's right, I refuse to acknowledge the undeserved promotion) who lives with his grandmother. Sometimes he stays at his pop's place to switch things up. He does not have a car or a license, which would be fine if he lived in New York or Chicago. Unfortunately he lives in Richmond, Virginia, with no train or rail access. That means utilizing a car to get around is a necessity for having a life after age 16. He's an extremely bad speller, which I'm sure many people already know after reading an email from him or just by visiting his Myspace. He's also very childish in his behavior, getting upset very easily and throwing temper tantrums regularly. He doesn't truly retain information, because when questioned on the duties of any particular part of his military MOS (of which he's been for the last 10 years in the Army), his answers are limited and incomplete on all subjects. Burton only really and truly knows one thing - lying. The sad and ironic truth of it is, he's not really good at that either. His lies are not well-spoken, and though he is not lacking in conviction, the outrageousness of his material is what enables us to understand that what he's speaking just COULD NOT be truth. Nobody was letting Burton drive a mail truck in Iraq. The truck drivers from Iraq that remembered him pointed out that he was making that up. No school in America would accept a teacher - or for that matter, a teacher's assistant - that couldn't handle basic spelling and math.
More importantly - because it's one thing to lie on yourself, but it's another to lie on other people - Burton never had sex with another individual (who shall remain nameless) from the Vo. Everything he said about her was a lie. She confirmed it, and her alibi (aka the guy she WAS with that night) also confirmed it. Yes, Burton took a shot with her on one of our trips. No, Burton didn't go back to the room with her at any point. Perhaps he mistook her for his gay friend who knows karate and will kick your ass. Well actually, I don't think Burton had sex with him either. But I never got confirmation either way on that one. The bottom line is, at some point in his life perhaps Burton did have sex with a woman. That didn't happen in the Vo. I know because I wasn't having sex with anyone, and I was in my room nearly every night. Burton was there too. Normally with his gay friend who knows karate and will kick your ass.
So if you happen to see Burton, don't worry about engaging him in a long discussion about ... well, anything. Just walk up to him and say "You don't have a daughter." That should take care of everything.
P.S. - Before we flew out to the Vo, I talked to Burton's "girlfriend" on the phone. She had no idea that they were even in a relationship. Things that make you go hmmm ...
I was debating leaving a comment due to the perfection of this post. Though, I decided to give you props for posterity.